19 JanWe’re Having a Boy!

Yesterday I had my 16 week ultrasound. I couldn’t wait to go to this one, especially since I knew we’d be finding out the gender of the baby! I’ve never had an ultrasound this early, in any of my other three pregnancies, so finding out early was really a gift. I had this idea in my head that we’d be sitting there for almost an hour waiting for the technician to get a perfect shot of the ‘goods’. So you can imagine my surprise, when within a minute of being on the table she announced that we were having a boy! I knew in my heart that it was a boy, but hearing it and seeing it was the icing on the cake!

I immediately started giggling. I was just so giddy with the news. And Jesse popped right up out of his chair and went up to the screen to see up close. He couldn’t sit down again, he was so happy. As I laid there watching her roll over each part of the baby, I saw Jesse’s eye’s tearing and it was pure joy. He loves his three daughters to the ends of the world. He wouldn’t have things any other way. But having a son, the sole grandchild to carry on his family’s last name, that was a special surprise. Besides, he is kind of out-numbered in our house, 4 to 1. That’s a lot of estrogen!

We bought our first little boy’s outfit and I finally cried. It’s just all such a blessing! And when we told Emmi and Ally they were super excited too! We high fived and went out to eat in celebration. It was one of those days that will hold a special place in my heart.

15 JanI’m Back!

I’m officially 16 weeks pregnant, and I have finally come out of the fog I’ve been in for the past 3 months. I can actually make it through at least one day a week without a nap. I have some energy again! I care about more than just going to bed and resting all day. I’m back…..mostly! I still don’t necessarily love cooking and eating, but I will actually make dinner from scratch at least a couple of days a week now.

The past couple of months have actually been good for all of us, I think. The kids have definitely become a bit more independent. With me out of commission, we have all had an opportunity to see just how much they can handle. So now, I’m preparing us all for when the baby comes. The kids are learning to take care of themselves more and take care of each other. I’m learning how to relinquish control and let everyone take care of me, too! I am loving the transition of our family living together as one, to our family working together as one.

05 JanThe Sweetest Sound

This week, when I went to my ob appointment, it was the first time I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Now, I have seen the heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor already. But there’s just something magical about hearing that sound. The soft but sure, thump thump-thump thump, was absolute music to my ears! To make the moment even more magical, the minute Ally heard the sound she turned to Lily and gave her a big hug because she was so excited!

Everyday I wonder how this little life inside of me is doing. I look forward to seeing the face and holding that little miracle in my arms. Until then, I look forward to each and every opportunity I have to see an ultrasound or hear a heartbeat. They are like little gifts to me, sprinkled throughout the pregnancy. Can’t wait until the next one!

27 DecMerry Christmas!

Better late than never, right? Actually, I was peeling potatoes last week and accidentally peeled off the end of my pinkie and so typing is a bit painful right now. But I will write for as long as I can bear it. Back to Christmas, I hope all who are reading this had your most wonderful Christmas ever! My Christmas celebrations nowadays are so very different than those of long ago, but I must say that they get better and better every year.

For so long, I have tried to give my kids everything they wanted. My goal was a full tree and a house full of toys and merriment. I always had a list ready to go of the things I most wanted as well. However, this year was different. Now that we are on a tight budget, I couldn’t go crazy shopping. Each kid got a couple of smaller things and Jesse and I decided not to exchange gifts, but to go out to dinner together, just the two of us. So when Christmas morning came, I was curious to see how it would all go over.

It went swimmingly! What I learned from my kids was that the most important part of Christmas is being with the people you love. They didn’t care about what they “didn’t get”. They were happy just spending the time together and unwrapping what they got. We even made muffins together BEFORE openning gifts. We had another Christmas at my parents and another with Jesse’s. When all was said and done, they were happy and grateful. And I can honestly say that my gift on Christmas is just watching the kids experience the magic. It’s all I could ever want.

22 DecJust What I Needed

Yesterday, I woke up feeling extremely hormonal. With all the changes going on inside my body, this past week in particular, has been a bit challenging. I’ve been suffering from insomnia at night. Then, the lack of sleep makes me more hormonal (weepy & angry) during the day. My appetite comes and goes, as do my cravings for different foods. Right now, I can’t get enough cheese and milk! Although, unfrosted strawberry pop tarts are pretty high on the list too. And meat is revolting to me, except ham! It’s bizarre.

Yesterday was perhaps one of my most hormonal days, though. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the day. Especially considering I had an ultrasound appointment in the late morning that had me in a little bit of a rush during the morning. But, I got there. Once there, Bess met me and helped take care of Lily as well as myself. As I laid on the table and watch the picture of the baby growing inside me, something clicked.

Sometimes it’s just really hard to believe that I’m actually pregnant again. It’s hard to believe we will have another little baby to love. And being so sick and not myself lately, clouds that up even more. But seeing the baby’s fully formed body, seeing it move and smile, that was real. And it made my day!

Afterward, I had the most wonderful lunch with Bess, Lily, Matt ( a high school friend), Elizabeth, JT, and then my mom! Elizabeth kept her eye on the wandering Lily and I just enjoyed the company of so many people I love. It was just what I needed!

19 DecThe Next Generation

This weekend, we had our annual Rose family Christmas party. There are so many of us nowadays that it is not often that we all get together and spend quality time together. But yesterday we did. And it was a lot of fun! All the cousins’ kids got to play together. The grown-ups got to hang out and catch up. We ate, drank, and were merry.

Then, Santa came! Here’s when it really sank in that I was now in the ‘next generation’. In the past, it has been my uncle’s job to dress as Santa and hand out presents to the kids. But this year, my brother Michael was Santa. And I stood there thinking, “My gosh, we are now part of the older generation. We’re not the KIDS anymore!” So I stood and watched as my kids, along with all the rest, sat on Santa’s lap and reveled in the joys of Christmas.

And you know, it was kinda nice. The perspective from there was wonderful. I find myself enjoying the holiday so much more lately because I get to see it through their eyes. There’s magic and wonder again. I know our generation is ready for it’s new-found responsibilities. In fact, I look forward to them.

08 DecHappy Birthday Dear Lily

Today Lily turns 2 years old. Just saying those words brings a tear to my eye. It’s still so hard to believe that it’s been two years since I had her. I can remember all the details of the day she was born, like it was yesterday. And yet, time has passed quickly and she is growing and learning more every single day.

Where once there was babbles and bubbles, she’s talking, singing, and dancing. She knows what she wants and knows how to get it. She can occupy herself for half the day if she needs to and she holds her own with her sisters and anyone else for that matter! She’s not a baby anymore…

So, my dear Lily, thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Thank you for helping me remember what’s important in life and what isn’t. Thank you for reminding me how to stop and have fun. Thank you for your hugs and kisses and love around every corner. Thank you for snuggling up with me to sleep and for learning how to do things all by yourself. Thank you for everything you are right now and everything you are yet to be. I love you!

06 DecCracking Up

So I’m only 10 weeks pregnant, but it seems that ‘pregnancy brain’ has already come to claim me! This afternoon, I was going to make myself eggs for lunch. (Which I do EVERY day, it seems I just can’t get enough of them lately!) Anyway, I got out the eggs and a bowl to crack them into. I set up the garbage can right next to me so I could easily throw the shells in. Then I took the first egg and proceeded to crack it right into the garbage!

I sat there staring at what I had done, thinking “Wow, I’m really cracking up, aren’t I?” After I chuckled at myself, I managed to remember to crack the rest of the eggs into the BOWL and just throw the shells away. Ahhh, what will it be next?

05 DecIs it True?

When I got the email from the literary agent about her wanting to read my poetry, I was over the moon. For a week, I eagerly awaked her response. However, when it finally came, I must admit that was a little disappointed. I so wanted for her to just read the poems, say they are wonderful, and offer to publish them. That would’ve been fantastic!

It’s not what happened, though. She told me that the poetry showed promise, but that the mechanics made it difficult to read and understand. I should’ve be mad and sad at the news, I guess. But try as I might, I just couldn’t get all that upset. Yes, it would’ve been nice to have everything run smoothly and effortlessly. But honestly, maybe it’s the work that I continue to put into honing my craft that will make it that much sweeter. I think that part of me also wanted some validation that my poetry was worthy of being published. Again, seeking validation anywhere outside of myself is a dangerous activity. I don’t want my happiness to depend on what others think and say about my poetry, I want to give it my own approval. I want to get to a place where I believe in my writing abilities so much that I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m worthy.

Maybe this whole experience is really a blessing in disguise. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse into myself. I’ve seen that poetry is my creative outlet and a passion. I don’t need to make money from it to legitimize it. I’ve also learned that following my dreams is a process, and that failure is a natural part of that process. It helps us weed out what is worth pursuing and what isn’t. It ain’t over til it’s over!

02 Dec“I La Lou”

Those were the first words that I heard when I opened my eyes this morning. I was looking into Lily’s big blue eyes and in her sing songy voice she said, “I la lou.” Which, in Lily language, means I love you. It was the first time she has ever said those words to me out of nowhere.

I must say “I love you” to her a million times a day, just because. Occasionally she will say it back if I prompt her. But she has never said it first, just because. The moment I heard it, I knew today was going to be a wonderful day. My almost 2 year old just told me she loved me, it’s like basking in sunshine! How can anything today take that away? It can’t!

So I will spend today hearing those sweet words over and over in my head. And I will remember that life’s biggest moments can be the smallest things. I will be observant and mindful of all the little signs of love that I see around my house and in my world today. She loves me!!!